WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?

Do you remember the color of the sky on September 11, 2001?

Do you remember where you were when you learned about the planes crashing into the Twin Towers?

Do you remember watching your TV screen over and over again not believing what you were seeing?

Do you remember calling family and friends who would have been in Manhattan that morning?

I remember rushing to the nearby Blood Bank only to be turned away because there was no need for blood.

I remember driving into Manhattan and “seeing” the missing towers.

I remember going to Union Square Park and viewing the hastily crafted “Missing Persons” posters.

I remember walking by several NYC fire stations, lit memorial candles on the sidewalk, and offering condolences to any firemen present.

I remember the people I counseled directly affected by 9/11.

WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?

“Remembrance is a form of meeting” - Kahil Gibran

“There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.” -Thornton Wilder

-Harriet

SALLY SHARES a SIMPLE SUGGESTION

My dear, long time friend Sally recently broke her ankle, forcing her to slow down and acknowledge to loss of independence and mobility, two qualities that have defined her in the past. She turned to a favorite book of meditations that she “picks up from time to time”.

I now share some excerpts from EVERYDAY SERENITY, (Meditations for people who do too much) by David Kundtz. He quotes Molly Fumia, “In grief we face a sacred moment, one permeated with fear, overflowing with pain, steeped in difficulty.” Kundtz believes that what prevents us from the essential joy of doing nothing, is the presence of grief. He acknowledges that “It is a formidable presence and our first response is to avoid it. It happens to everyone and no one is immune.”

He further believes that one of the first signs that we are ready to face grief is our willingness to stop, to be quiet, and to be with ourselves. He connects it to the sacredness that Fumia speaks about. Grief brings us into contact with ourselves so he suggests we consider: What am I sad about today? Then just allow the feeling of loss, the grief, to be there a moment. Having grieved, the “sacredness is in the sound of our returning footsteps.” We can return to life, to ourselves, with a new compassion, a new understanding, and even a new joy.”

“Today spend some time feeling one of your losses, and listen for the sound of (or the promise of) your returning footsteps.

-Harriet

A WINNER'S WISE WORDS

Jon Rahm is the 2021 winner of the US Open, the most challenging of the USGA’s yearly golf tournaments. He beat out several strong competitors on Fathers Day in a close finish right up to the last hole. It was notable for several reasons. He’s only 26 years old as well as a new dad of a baby boy. Jon’s father was present too. Jon Rahm is the first Spaniard to win the Open. He has a close tie to San Diego, the home of Torrey Pines, where he won his first major tournament in 2017. And to think he proposed to his wife Kelley just miles away from this famous golf venue.

You could have read all that in the sports news but to me what was also impressive was his post tournament press conference.

Jon has been known for his quick temper and most recently had to withdraw from the Memorial Golf Tournament with a 6 stroke lead because he had tested positive for COVID. It sounds like a perfect storm coming into the US Open and yet he acknowledged his win with grace and articulated lessons learned:

STAY IN THE PRESENT - BE PATIENT AND HOPEFUL - BE A ROLE MODEL FOR MY SON -

FROM THE BIGGEST SETBACK WE CAN GET SOME OF THE BIGGEST BREAKTHROUGHS

And he closed by publicly acknowledging his recent sadness for the death of his close friend and golf journalist due to COVID. Jon Rahm dedicated the prestigious trophy to Jose Manuel Cortizas because “he would have loved more than anybody else to be covering this.”

I hope to remember his “wise words”.

-Harriet

PHIL'S PHILOSOPHY

Today, Sunday, May 23, 2021, 50 year old Phil Mickelson became the oldest golfer ever to win a major championship. “This is just an incredible feeling,” he said afterwards at the award presentation ceremony. “I just believed that it was possible.”

Just 12 days ago Mickelson tweeted the following quote. “I’ve failed many times in my life and career and because of this I’ve learned a lot. Instead of feeling defeated countless times, I’ve used it as fuel to drive me to work harder. So today, join me in accepting failures. Let’s use them to motivate us to work harder.”

What an inspirational message for us all…………..

-harriet

HOW DOES A QUEEN GRIEVE?

For one, Queen Victoria, after the death of her husband, Albert, spiraled into a state of pathological grief, hardly functioning for years and dressed in black for the remainder of her life.

We have just witnessed Queen Elizabeth dressed in black and sitting alone at her husband Philip’s funeral. While COVID guidelines and restrictions might have been responsible for the latter, it is true we are all alone in our grief, regardless of who holds our hand or sits besides us.

The Queen chose some healthy grief rituals such as reportedly having a photo of her and Prince Philip as well as one of his handkerchiefs in her purse. On his coffin she placed a handwritten note to her husband of 73 years. In addition, it had been observed that Queen Elizabeth was “wiping away a tear”.

While strict mourning rituals will be followed by the Royal Family , the Queen will grieve in her own normal/unique way just like you and I. (Normal for the way she has grieved during her life and unique for the relationship she had with her husband). I imagine her dogs will be a source of comfort as well as the outpouring of condolence messages from around the world.

I look forward to the day she replaces the black mourning clothes with her favored pastels.

Queen Elizabeth was quoted as saying, “Grief is the price we pay for love” after 9/11.

-Harriet

FLYING AGAIN

Yes, I’m “flying again” at the thought of boarding an airplane again in a few days. Several months after the initial COVID lockdown, while golfing with friends, I remember hearing the sound of an airplane in the sky. Looking up I began thinking, “that’s a wonderful sound, that’s a wonderful sight, that’s normal.” I felt nostalgic for the many trips I’ve taken in all kinds of airplanes; DC 3, two and four seater single engine, jets of all sizes and configurations, the Concorde, helicopters, seaplanes and a glider. I was feeling nostalgic for sure!

A February 27, 2021 Wall Street Journal article by Clay Routledge countered the belief that nostalgia is “bad”, explaining that people often misunderstand how it’s experienced. Research has shown that “nostalgia can bring comfort and meaning, even inspiration. It’s all about the future more than the past.”

Best selling author Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now) claims “My life improved immeasurably when I was able to find a balance between living in the past, remembering the past, thinking of the past and thinking about the future.”

Yes I’m looking forward to my first plane travel in well over a year even though it’ll be a quick two day turn around. I’m looking forward to more flying in the US to visit friends and family. I’m looking forward to taking international flights to places that will be both nostalgic and inspirational. That’s why I’m “flying again”.

-Harriet

LIFE is like a PIANO

For years a small wooden plaque sat on one of the two pianos in my music studio. It read,

“Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.”

While Tom Lehrer is best known for his satirical and humorous verses as a songwriter, I hadn’t realized this was his quote. While researching the quote I came across an anonymous quote you might appreciate.

“Life is like a piano. White keys are happy moments and black keys are sad. But remember both keys are played together to give sweet memories.”

-Harriet

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

“We don’t remember bad days. We only remember moments,” wrote Italian poet and novelist Cesare Panese. I imagine that’s true for good days as well.

This month there were two memorable moments for me, each highlighted by a meaningful quote.

“Every tear is a lesson learned” came from the Netflix movie, “All The Bright Places”.

“Even as we grieved, we grew…” I’ll never forget the moment I heard inaugural poet Amanda Gorman recite her inspiring and indelible words. And I’ve listened to them several more times on YouTube.

What are your memorable moments?

-Harriet

From DARKNESS to LIGHT

I dedicate this to the memory of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks who died last month. Rabbi Sacks who served as the Chief Rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth from 1991-2013 has been celebrated as a moral thinker and a globally renowned intellect.

I had quoted the following from Rabbi Sacks in my December 2018 blog, “For though my faith is not yours and your faith is not mine, if we each are free to light our own flame, together we can banish some of the darkness in the world.”

TODAY is the shortest day of the year and therefore the darkest. This also is the season of three important holidays.

Perhaps you lit the candles on your Hanukkah menorah from December 10-18. Perhaps you have been lighting the electric lights on your tree or your house leading up to Christmas on December 25. Perhaps you will light the first candle on your kinara on December 26 to begin the seven day holiday of Kwanzaa. Or maybe you just appreciate the effectiveness and beauty of more light during these long dark days.

It seems that this has been a perfect time for clergy of all faiths to remind us of the need to bring light into our world. The Reverend Carmen D’Amico of Muse, PA recently shared these words with his congregants, “We need to support each other…We need to be the light for each other.”

Find ways to follow his advice in your community. And I encourage you do the same with your family and friends. Whether by pen, computer or voice say, “You bring light into my life.”

-Harriet

NEW HOLE - NEW HOPE

Saturday the weather was spectacular and I was enjoying a fun game of golf with friends. Having finished holes 12, 13 and 14 with more strokes than I liked, I approached the next tee box and announced to my foursome, “New hole”. My friend Ramona immediately responded, “New hole, new hope”. That resonated with me as I have long believed golf is a metaphor for life. I smiled and thanked her for saying that. I added “It might just be my next blog title”. And so it is……………………………………..

New Hole - New Hope

New Love - New Hope

New Marriage - New Hope

New Baby - New Hope

New Test - New Hope

New Teacher - New Hope

New Treatment - New Hope

New Diagnosis - New Hope

New Vaccine - New Hope

New Recipe - New Hope

New Chef - New Hope

New Information - New Hope

New Idea - New Hope

New Plan - New Hope

New Attitude - New Hope

New Commitment - New Hope

New Day - New Hope

New Month - New Hope

New Year - New Hope

I’m sure you can add your own to this list.

-Harriet

RELATIONSHIP ROAD

The Gottman Institute offered the following on October 8, 2020 in their email newsletter called “The Marriage Minute”: “The saying, ‘It’s a marathon, not a sprint’ could apply to relationships, but a better metaphor to consider might be that commitment is a road, not a destination. You and your partner are on the road together. Was it bumpy at the start? Have there been unexpected detours? Or maybe you’ve even hit a pothole or two. But the best way to move forward is not to dwell in those potholes. Even if they cause a flat tire, you call roadside assistance and keep going. It’s okay to hit a rough patch. It’s okay to call for help. ask for directions, or look at a map if you’re lost. You’re on the road together, navigating it side by side. Trust and love are built in the small moments, and often as a result of some of the toughest stretches of road. “

And what about your relationship with yourself? Are you judgmental of yourself? Do you blame yourself for every little thing that goes wrong? Has that approach helped your relationship with yourself? When my children were growing up I used to remind them that the only guarantee in life was CHANGE. Everything changes and because that’s true of ourselves as well, why not take the opportunity to observe your behavior, actions, thoughts and emotions, rather than judge them.

Observing is neutral and therefore not hurtful. It might even lead to a more positive approach to viewing your relationship with yourself and then, hopefully, your relationship with others.

-Harriet

TIME FOR REFLECTION

I dedicate this blog to the memory of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a true champion of justice and women, who died on the eve of the Jewish New Year 5781.

Perhaps you have experienced what I have; that at times the months since COVID has changed our lives seems like years. Many hopes and dreams have been squashed and normal living has has been seriously altered. 2020 has been filled with feelings of shock, grief, fear, anger and anxiety. People have felt out of control in having to make necessary changes in their daily routine confronted by an ever-changing landscape of facts and fiction as well as an overwhelming need to follow every bit of published or televised news.

And yet many have discovered benefits and feelings of gratitude during this challenging time. I know I have. I’ve had more time to reflect.

Calendars may mark dates but holidays are benchmarks. Knowing this Jewish New Year may not be your custom or practice, perhaps, however, it’s not too early (as it has felt like years and not months since January 1) to reflect anyway. I encourage you to look at two important questions during this week, recommended by my rabbi.

1 - What do I regret ?

2 - What do I hope to do (accomplish ) in the coming year?

I share the sentiments of my friend Jane’s New Year’s greeting, “It’s been quite a year! Yet, so much to be thankful for. Wishing you good health, happiness and a bright 5781. Freedom to hug, freedom to travel, freedom to have a safe election, freedom to go to real school, freedom for those who do not have enough to eat, freedom for all oppressed people.”

-Harriet

WHY WOMEN WIN

Jackie Cochran and Janey Briggs Hart (pilot, avid sailor, wife of Senator Philip Hart and mother of eight children) worked zealously to have women included in the initial space flights. On July 17, 1962, Janey testified at a congressional hearing saying “…a hundred years ago it was quite inconceivable that women should serve as hospital attendants…it was somehow indecent for a woman to be among the soldiers, wounded or not” and went on to say “…a woman in space was no more preposterous than a woman in a field hospital during the Civil War.” *

And to think many a romantic movie script would not have been written without that change.

We have witnessed the advancement of women to lofty positions in education as presidents of colleges and universities), CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies and presidents and prime ministers of many countries.

August 18th marked the 100 year anniversary of the ratification of the 19th Amendment, granting all American women the right to vote. Not only is it important to acknowledge that date but also the 100 year struggle to get to that point. Let’s not take that for granted. Let’s not become complacent about the importance of voting. In a letter John Lewis wrote just prior to his recent death he shared, “Voting and participating in the democratic process are key. The vote is the most powerful nonviolent change agent you have in a democratic society. You must use it because it is not guaranteed. You can lose it.”

Where would we be if women couldn’t minister to the sick and wounded?

Where would we be now if female engineers, scientists, mathematicians, pilots and “human computers” were not part of our space program?

Every American citizen over the age of 18 can vote in the next election. I encourage you to have conversations with your families, especially the young adults, as I have, educating and modeling for them.

VOTE on or before Nov. 3rd.

• page 321 ‘Fighting for Space’ by Amy Shira Teitel (2020)

-Harriet

GRATITUDE and OPPORTUNITY

As I had been mulling over various ideas for my monthly blog I realized just about everything related to COVID 19 has been addressed in print or on the internet whether it be ever-changing facts or hypothetical situations for the future, guidance for coping whether it be for emotional reactions or the pragmatic adjustment for a family living, studying and working together daily in close quarters.

As I reflected on my life these past 5 months experiencing disappointments with cancelled family lifecycle events and travel as well as constrained living, reducing my time and involvement as in the past, volunteering, facilitating grief workshops and networking, two words came to mind.

GRATITUDE and OPPORTUNITY

I consciously and daily choose to be grateful for my health, my loving relationships with family and friends and my “cocoon”, my community, that has given me the opportunity to be physically active and socially connected in a safe and supportive environment.

“What opportunities?” you may ask.

1- The opportunity to spend more time playing the piano, challenging myself with new music as well as revisiting old favorites.

2- The opportunity to read books that have expanded my choice of genre, knowledge and enjoyment. Two such books are" “Pilgrimage To Eternity” by Timothy Egan and “Rise And Kill First” by Ronen Bergman.

3- The opportunity to reach out more frequently to family and friends if only by phone, offering mine and receiving their supportive voice during these stressful months.

4- The opportunity to learn and practice a new form of exercise which focuses on improving balance, flexibility and strength as well as enhancing my mental and physical wellbeing.

5- The opportunity (and I know my children and grandchildren will find this hilarious) to search out and try new and delicious recipes for our dinners.

I encourage you to look beyond the stress, fear and fatigue of living with COVID 19 limitations and acknowledge something you are grateful for. I also urge you to learn something new; try a new hobby, get a pet, reconnect with someone from your past or complete a jigsaw puzzle.

I leave you with this quote from a financial advisor company as part of an email to their clients, “Times like this promote reflection and a clearer understanding of truly how fortunate we are.”

-Harriet

THE TIME IS NOW

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally for the human heart than its opposite.”

Nelson Mandela (1918-2013)

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Martin Luther King, Jr (1929-1968)

“When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Whenever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at the moment - become the center of the universe.”

Eli Weisel (1928-2016)

What are you doing to make a difference?

-Harriet

UNIVERSAL GRIEF

There is one word that sums up the myriad of feelings that we all are experiencing now - GRIEF.

And it’s universal grief! Some other examples of universal grief were the deaths of JFK and Princess Di, because “we knew them”. 9/11 is another example of universal grief not just because so many died in one event but we lost our sense of security as American citizens as well as the symbol of our financial center.

Because of COVID-19 we are grieving the life we knew, the routine, the normalcy, the assumptions we had lived with. There is constant, confusing and changing information thrust upon us be it from our cell phones, TV or the last person we talked with.

Normal coping skills are not working for many people. This is evident with increased numbers of suicide including an experienced and well respected doctor who was the director of the New York-Presbyterian Allen Hospital Emergency Department in Manhattan. And what will the long term effect have on healthcare workers and first responders?

Domestic violence has increased as well. The abused have no place to hide.

The celebration of life cycle events like weddings, graduations, birthdays and funerals are null and void but sometimes celebrated in creative ways far from the ones we love.

I remember when airlines gave discounted fares for those traveling to a family funeral. Now the closest of family cannot enter a hospital, inpatient hospice facility or nursing home for a final goodby prior to an impending death.

At this time when we need solace, we cannot enter a church, mosque or synagogue to worship with our supportive community.

And our jobs…. the latest figure for unemployment in the US is 38.6 million.

Children and teens, particularly, are being stressed in new ways. Not only are they losing parents and grandparents but teachers, coaches and mentors. They have lost the security of daily or weekly routines. If you are looking for some support, guidance and suggestions for dealing with children/teens during this pandemic, I encourage you to visit this website: StephenGrayWallace.com for the link to his May 19th article published in “Psychology Today” entitled “Crisscross: We already had a youth mental health crisis- Now What?”

I have no answer, no advice, no conclusion….Recognizing the impact of universal grief I hope we can each attempt to understand and respect the normal/unique grief of our family and friends.

Be well.

-Harriet

IT'S SURREAL

While kayaking yesterday morning I found it difficult to reconcile two simultaneous scenes in my head. The first was what surrounded me, the peacefulness of the river. The second was what I have learned about the utter frenzy, intensity, exhaustion and death in hospital emergency rooms and ICU’s all over our country.

I found it “eerily quiet” paddling under overcast skies with no wind and no motorboats nearby. The sweet sound of occasional terns as they flitted around the docks as well as the distant crowing of a rooster were the only sounds in addition to my paddle hitting the water. For me it was the perfect moment to pray for those I know who are sick with the coronavirus and for the doctor I know who voluntarily left our “life in paradise” and flew to NYC to minister to COVID 19 patients.

There are many healthy people who are suffering as well. There is fear, anxiety, anger, disbelief, overeating, over drinking, sleeplessness, domestic violence, lethargy, depression and lack of control. It all adds up to GRIEF. I’m aware there has been a constant flow of advice in the media on how to cope with reactions to the pandemic.

Simply I will remind you of some basic coping modalities: talking, writing, prayer, meditation, nature, exercise, pets and music. Give one of these a try. That’s “taking control” of the situation. It’s one of the only ways one can take control. Wishing everyone and your family and friends to be safe and healthy.

-Harriet

BIRTHDAY BLOG

Back around 2008 I purchased, sight unseen, a book that I saw advertised. It measured 11 x 15 inches, containing over 170 full page size incredible colored photographs with corresponding quotations, some funny and others serious, written in three languages, Yiddish, Hebrew and English. It is my all time favorite “coffee table” book and has engendered a myriad of reactions from family and friends who have taken the time to peruse it.

It’s title: Man Plans and God Laughs…and more wisdom from our grandparents.

I quote a paragraph from the editor, George Hanus, “The title of this volume, MAN PLANS AND GOD LAUGHS captures this ironic Yiddish understanding of the human condition. We all spend so much time organizing, reorganizing and scheduling our lives that we often forget that no matter how meticulous our intentions, a circumstance, an act of nature or ill health can change everything in a nanosecond.”

Truthfully, I had planned, researched, developed, revised and edited for the last couple of months what was to be my March blog to commemorate my 80th birthday. However in the light of the world coronavirus pandemic we are living (and dying) through I cannot and will not post it as planned.

Instead, I welcome you to offer prayers for healing and hope. Choose your style and level of comfort or merely reflect quietly on what is happening and what you can do to keep yourself and others safe.

-Harriet

VALENTINE'S DAY

Valentine’s Day conjures up images and thoughts of flowers, cards, chocolates and nowadays, balloons. Red hearts, red roses and cupids are plentiful designs throughout the month of February. Originated as Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine, a Catholic holiday, it is now associated with romantic love. Therefore this holiday can surely be a trigger for someone who has been separated from one’s partner or spouse by death or divorce.

However, today’s blog is not intended as a grief support blog but rather to share some meaningful quotes about LOVE from some famous people.

“Where there is love there is life" Mahatma Gandhi

“See to it that you love yourself” Soren Kierkegaard

“All you need is love” John Lennon

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved” George Sand

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving” Paulo Coelho

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in” Morrie Schwartz

“The one thing we can never get enough of is love. And the one thing we never give enough of is love” Henry MIller

Make this a meaningful Valentine’s Day for you and someone else.

-Harriet

TO WRITE or NOT TO WRITE?

To write or not to write? That is the question. What started out in December 2015 as a grief support blog has evolved into whatever might inspire me. I have a self imposed deadline and sometimes I am stymied as it gets closer to the end of the month. I then question myself as to why I am doing this. Perhaps it’s time to stop. And then i receive a comment from someone I meet in person or who writes on Facebook or on my website that what I have written has “touched” them in some positive way. And so I go on for another month. While I was floundering as to a theme for this month I received an email from my friend Carol saying, ”I loved this and thought you might too.” And so I read from the the website, “Daily Good - News that Inspires” an article by Anne Lamott titled, “12 Truths I learned from Life and Writing". It resonated with me and you might check it out for yourself.

However, I want to highlight “Number 6-writing”. Anne writes “ Every writer you know writes really bad first drafts, but they keep their butts in the chair. That’s the secret of life. That’s probably the main difference between you and them. They just do it by prearrangement with themselves. They do it as a debt of honor. They tell stories that come through them one day at a time.” And so I too continue to share my experiences, thoughts, reactions and feelings through my interpersonal connections and my blog.

I encourage you to write. Write for yourself first and then share it if you care to. For years I have counseled the bereaved to write as a healing modality and now I suggest writing for a myriad of other reasons. I’m wishing you the courage to begin.

Happy New Year 2020!

-Harriet