NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

This is the time for making New Year’s resolutions. For what it’s worth, Wikipedia lists the popular resolutions and success rate from past studies. A few are “exercise more, eat better, volunteer, and spend less time on social media”. Which ones have you tried in the past? Did it work? If so, for how long?

Prior to formulating your list or committing to one or two for the coming year, I highly recommend you watch a brief 3 minute YouTube video. It’s an invaluable lesson and may be a new way to approach 2020.

“UNA VERDADERA LECCION PARA UNA VIDA MAS FELIZ” No worries. It’s translated into English.

Wishing all a year of health, peace, love and personal growth.

-Harriet

FINDING CHIKA

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE by Mitch Albom is the “best selling memoir of all time”. I have just finished reading his latest book, also a memoir, called FINDING CHIKA. Just as Mitch rediscovered his sociology professor, Morrie, by flipping through TV channels, I rediscovered Mitch Albom being interviewed by Anderson Cooper as I was scrolling through CNN’s news highlights on my iPhone. FINDING CHIKA is the story of Mitch and his wife Janine who chose to bring a young Haitian girl to America to find treatment for a rare brain cancer. The memoir shares the choices and challenges experienced by the three of them until Chika’s death at the age of seven.

I found the book heartwarming, inspiring, enlightening and best of all, a reminder of the “attitude of gratitude”.

I quote from page 235: “But none of us are assured of tomorrow. It’s what we do with today that makes an impact. Chika filled every day. She drank it in. She lived it up. And always, always, she affected someone, most often by making them smile. People ask what I learned from this experience. I’ve tried in these pages to lay that out. But I can say one thing above all else. Families are like pieces of art, they can be made from many materials. Sometimes they are from birth, sometimes they are melded, sometimes they are merely time and circumstance mixing together, like eggs being scrambled in a Michigan kitchen. But no matter how a family comes together, and no matter how it comes apart, this is true and will always be true: you cannot lose a child. And we did not lose a child. We were given one. And she was glorious.”

Take time to be thankful, not just on Thanksgiving Day, but everyday, perhaps even twice a day.

-Harriet

DIFFERENT TYPES OF GRIEF

“Seriously, there’s more than one?” Well yes, and depending on your source, the number of types of grief will be different. For example, whatsyourgrief.com lists 15 different types; it’s podcast describes 10. The Spire Health Blog discusses 8.

I’ve chosen to address 4 types of grief in an article published in “Heart Is Diamond” – I invite you to read for yourself: bit.ly/2VZ59uN

– Harriet

WHAT SHOULD I SAY??????????????

My friend’s husband died. What should I say? My neighbor’s mother died. What should I say? My colleague’s best friend died. What should I say? These are common concerns after learning about a death. If you’re comfortable with “comforting the mourner” then you don’t need to continue reading this blog.

Whether you attend the wake, shiva or funeral or meet the person in a store or they live very far from you there are some basic things to remember. Don’t offer platitudes such as “She’s in a better place” or “God needed another angel so He took your loved one”. The bereaved might believe that he needs the person more.

Words are not necessary. Your presence is.

Try looking directly into the person’s eyes and/or offer a hug. If you believe you need to speak, safe validating comments would be ”I can’t imagine what you’re going through or how you’re feeling” or “Please accept my condolences.” If you knew the deceased person share a happy memory with the mourner. Any of your actions may trigger tears but SAD IS NOT BAD - It’s How We Grieve After We’ve Loved. Tears are healthy and healing.

If you can’t be with the bereaved in person send a handwritten note. It can say as little as “Thinking of you” or “I love you”. The written message will likely be saved and reread when the mourner needs to be comforted and supported.

I received the following poem after a widower and his family received my condolence note.

“Perhaps you sent a lovely card or sat quietly in a chair.

Perhaps you spoke the kindest words as any friend could say.

Perhaps you were not there at all - just thought of us that day.

Whatever you did to console our hearts. We thank you so much whatever the part.”

This says it all……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

-Harriet

LOVE LASTS

Today marks the fourteenth anniversary of the death of my husband Jerry. My memoir, SAD IS NOT BAD, poignantly records the experiences, emotions and evolving journey of grief during the challenging first year as revealed in the letters I wrote to him. My letters that were written regularly for two years and still continue occasionally to this day have helped me keep my loving relationship.

One of Morrie Schwartz’s many aphorisms in TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE is “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” And while the relationship obviously changes it does continue. Morrie shared his dying of ALS both through weekly conversations with Mitch Albom, a former student and Ted Koppel of “Nightline”. Morrie taught us how to die but more importantly this Brandeis sociology professor taught us how to live. This quote says it beautifully. “As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - - in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

I highly recommend you read or reread TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE, a life altering book or view Ted Koppel’s interview of Morrie Schwartz on YouTube.

-Harriet

SUMMER TIME

“Summer time and the living’ is easy…” But the sun is strong and the heat is high and we are constantly reminded to hydrate and use sun protection with hats and sunscreen. Death knows no season. Grief is challenging at best, whether during summer, fall, winter or spring. There are many bereaved people out there this summer who might benefit from suggestions for SELF CARE; things one can do to support the body and mind while traveling the “journey of grief”.

S - Say NO when you don’t want to do something

E - Eat healthy foods and drink lots of water

L - Love yourself and be compassionate to yourself

F - Follow your instincts

C - Call a friend or professional to share feelings

A - Activity like exercise, swimming and walking

R - Relax your mind with prayer or meditation

E - Express your feelings with music, art or writing

More information about self care in general can be found at “selfcaring.info”

Stay cool…………….

-Harriet

JUST BE THERE

Recently a CNN headline titled, “A Boy With Autism Broke Down At An Orlando Theme Park. The Employee Saved The Day” caught my eye and upon reading the story I learned that 9 year old Ralph had his heart set on visiting the Amazing Adventures of Spider Man and was very patient waiting until the end of the family’s visit to get to it. As the family neared that venue '“Ralph bubbled over with excitement. But with the ride vehicles in sight Spider Man broke down.” His mother’s post on Facebook described her son’s meltdown as he “lay sprawled on the floor…screaming and crying so hard he could barely breathe…and his parents tried to peel him off the ground.” That’s when a Spider Man employee lay down next to Ralph. Not only did she let him cry and helped him breathe but she told him it was OK to be sad. They both stayed there on the ground until Ralph felt better. He then smiled and thanked her.

What have you done when a friend, colleague or family member shared their emotions or words of grief, stress or fear? Did you try to solve their problem, distract them or offer a platitude that all will be ok?

What can you do next time you are in that situation?

JUST BE THERE……………LISTEN - OFFER A HUG - BE PATIENT - WITNESS ……….. JUST BE THERE

And remember SAD IS NOT BAD, It’s How We Grieve After We’ve Loved and it’s how we grieve when we have lost our hope, dream or expectation.

-Harriet

HONORING THE FALLEN

Congressman Brian Mast of the 18th district of Florida sent an email in recognition of Memorial Day. I quote a passage from his message, “Putting on the uniform is something very few Americans get to experience. But for those who do, it is a life-changing experience. Serving in the military is a commitment to a greater cause, defending our freedom and keeping our country safe.

I’ve always tried to teach my kids about what this service means and about the sacrifice made by many so that they can live free. Part of that is showing them that on Memorial Day tears are not weakness. Those tears represent strength because it is emotion for each person who gave the last beat of their heart to defend our freedom.”

I have always encouraged my clients to EMBRACE their feelings when traveling the journey of grief.

And Brian Mast concludes his email with “So, today, as we gather for Memorial Day, please show emotion for those who have fallen and say thank you to all those who have served and sacrificed.”

Take a moment to reflect and honor all those who have helped to keep our country safe and free.

-Harriet

GRIEF IS IMPORTANT

We are in the midst of major religious holidays and these are commonly triggers for feeling our grief, whether recent or from the distant past. I share with you this meaningful message rather than write my own this month.

-Harriet

Grief Is Important
BY MADISYN TAYLOR

Grieving doesn't have to be a process that keeps us rooted in our thoughts of fear and sadness.

Change is something that happens each and every moment in our lives. Since nothing is constant, it may sometimes seem as if we are losing something whenever things do change. Understanding that this is part of our daily existence and that there will not only be gains but also losses in our lives can help us more readily accept and deal with whatever happens. 

Whenever we lose something or somebody we love, it is important for us to take time out for ourselves and truly feel the weight of what we are experiencing. Although it may seem that doing so will push us into a deeper state of sadness, truly giving ourselves permission to be with whatever arises actually creates space for us to begin the healing process. This is because the act of grieving is a natural process, allowing us to sort through the range of emotions that are present in our everyday existence. Even though it may sometimes seem easier to involve ourselves in activities that take our minds off of our sadness, this will only make the route to healing more difficult. Unless we listen to where we are in the moment, the emotions we experience will only grow in intensity, and our feelings will manifest themselves in more powerful and less comfortable ways. Once we consciously acknowledge that these emotions are present, however, we are more able to soothe the sorrow of the moment. In so doing, we become more open to our natural ability to heal ourselves. 

Grieving doesn't have to be a process that keeps us rooted in our thoughts of fear and sadness. For the moment we might feel despondent, but by expressing and coping with our true feelings, we face the sadness head-on. When we allow ourselves to accept and deal with our loss fully, we will then be able to continue our life's journey with a much more positive and accepting outlook. This will make it easier for us to see that our grief is ephemeral and, just like our moments of happiness, it will also come to pass.

INCONSTANCY

Jack Nicklaus has said, “If there is one thing I have learned during my years as a professional, it is that the only thing constant about golf is its inconstancy.” If you are a golfer you know how true that is. According to a dictionary definition, inconstancy is a word often associated with love. Whether you identify the word with your golf game or the changeability of a relationship, I believe you’ll agree that life itself, year by year -month by month - day by day has all the elements of unpredictability.

Just acknowledging that from time to time may help you meet life’s changes and challenges. When your life pulls to the left or slices to the right there are a few things you can control after experiencing the normal emotions of shock, fear and anxiety: ATTITUDE, BELIEFS, WORDS, ACTIONS.

Remember the quote, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade”? Well you have choices here too.

“When life gives you lemons squirt someone in the eye”

“When life gives you lemons make orange juice”

“When life gives you lemons make lemonade and find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party”…..and do your best to find some humor as that can help balance the scale.

-Harriet

LIFE LIVED BACKWARDS ??????

Comedian George Carlin offered his reasons for living life backwards. “You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb. you spend the last nine months floating. Then you finish off as an orgasm.”

We know we don’t really have that choice so some plan ahead for the end of their life. While many people plan from a financial perspective how many of you have created a “Care Plan” for the final months of your life? According to a 2017 Kaiser Foundation study, 50% die in nursing homes or hospitals. More than 10% “are cruelly shuttled from one to the other in their final days” and yet 7 out of 10 Americans say they hope to die in their own home.

What have you done to prepare for your end of life? Hopefully, you have the essentials (a will, POA, Health Care Proxy) and have begun a conversation with family or a close friend as to what you want if you become terminally ill or mentally incompetent.

I encourage you to order a copy of “Five Wishes” at www.agingwithdignty.org or calling 888-594-7437 as this booklet will help you look at options and hopefully make some decisions you hadn’t even contemplated. Always remember you can change your mind and therefore change your choices in the future.

I also recommend reading Katy Butler’s article “Preparing for a Good End of Life” in the February 8 edition of the Wall Street Journal or getting her newly published book, The Art Of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life.

We plan for a baby’s birth for nine months. Why not plan for the end of our life?

-Harriet

2019 ALREADY????

I often joke that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer one gets to the end, the faster it goes.

We have little control over the speed or what happens to each of us in a given calendar year. There is a succinct Yiddish saying, “A mentsh tracht un Got lacht”, translated, “Man plans and God laughs”.

In 2019 I personally experienced complete healing after emergency wrist surgery. I’m back to all my activities and sports. Two friends had successful organ transplants, one a heart and the other a lung. Both have returned to playing golf, enjoying quality time with friends and family and looking forward to a fuller life than each had had in the last few years. Many friends have celebrated life cycle events like births, weddings and graduations. And some have suffered from illness and heart breaking news. I continue to facilitate workshops for lay and professionals related to grief and healing. For all the challenges, disappointments and successes I am grateful. For the gift of awareness and reflection I am grateful.

2019 What will be? I cannot see, for a fortune teller I am not; I am only me.

There will be challenges, I’m fully aware - There will be joys to celebrate and I hope to be there.

Whatever comes my way, it’s courage and gratitude for which I pray

And after a nights rest to experience the gift of another day.

-Harriet

LIGHT YOUR OWN FLAME

What do the holidays of Chanukah, Christmas and Kwanza have in common? If you read my December 2017 blog you know the answer and it’s not gifts or parties. It’s LIGHT. During this time of year these holidays use light from candles or electricity to “lighten” up the darkness. Recently my friend posted a quote I now share with you.

“For though my faith is not yours and your faith is not mine, if we are each free to light our own flame, together we can banish some of the darkness of the world.” Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks

I dedicate this message in memory of President George HW Bush, who had been a bright light for our nation.

Give yourself the gift of rereading my December blogs from 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Wishing all who celebrate, a joyous and love filled holiday.

-Harriet

THANKSGIVING MESSAGE

November has seen some challenging and traumatic events…raging fires in California where many have died and more than 1000 people are unaccounted for…divisiveness in our campaigning and elections…a significant rise in hate rimes.

I want to focus on my thankfulness this Thanksgiving Day. I’m thankful for food, water and the air I breathe. I’m thankful for friends and family. I’m thankful for good health. I’m thankful for the brave response of police at Tree Of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh (Mr. Roger’ Neighborhood) on October 27. I’m thankful for the interfaith solidarity that’s been evident across our country. I’m thankful for the capacity of humans to love and have compassion.

Please find the quote that resonates with you and share it this Thanksgiving:

Mr. Rogers: “We want to raise our children so they can take a sense of pleasure in both their own heritage and the diversity of others.”

Martin Luther King, Jr. “Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness. I have decided to stay with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

Dalai Lama: “When you practice gratefulness, there is a sense of respect toward others.”

-Harriet

OCTOBER 15th

Did you know that October 15th was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? Not likely! While President Ronald Reagan, back in 1988, proclaimed the entire month of October acknowledging these deaths it wasn’t until 2006 that the House of Representatives passed a resolution designating October 15 as a day of remembrance for perinatal death. Now it is also observed in the UK, Norway, Italy, Kenya and Australia.

Coincidentally, October 15 was the day Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their pregnancy causing an outpouring of criticism for their “insensitivity”. It is probable that they too were unaware of this day of remembrance.

In the past parents commonly experienced “disenfranchised grief” whereby their grief was not acknowledged or supported. All too often a couple might have heard the words, “Well, you’re young, you’ll have another.”

Today there is recognition that all loss or change must be grieved in order to heal.

Today there is bereavement training for professionals who interact with the parents.

Today hospitals have set up procedures to support and counsel the parents.

Today rituals are offered to parents to help the grieving process. They range from holding the baby, taking photos, clipping a lock of hair and making footprints or handprints. Recognizing the need for parents to be with their baby Cuddle Cots can extend the time permissible.

REMEMBER it’s important to acknowledge the death of someone who has been loved.

-Harriet

GRIEVING ORCA - ROLE MODEL FOR GRIEVING

Female orcas have been known to swim with a dead baby as a mourning ritual. What was most unusual this past summer was when researchers observed one female carrying the corpse for 17 days traveling over 1000 miles. (Videos available on YouTube)

In New Zealand the indigenous Maoris who have not converted to Christianity still practice ‘tangihanga” where the dead body lies outdoors in an open coffin for three days before burial in order for mourners to grieve. Traditionally, tangihanga was held for weeks in order for friends and relatives to publicly mourn.

While rituals may differ religiously or culturally, it is commonly known that ritual helps in the grieving process. Personalized and private rituals are being created as well. It might be playing a song over and over, one which was a favorite of the dead person or one that was shared by both. A survey noted one person chose to wash “his car every week as he used to do”. When my father died I went to his favorite diner on his regular Monday night and ordered his standby dinner of meatloaf, not something I would have chosen for myself. It was a way of connecting to him and the waitresses who knew and served him for years.

Have the confidence to follow your heart and choose a private ritual in addition to what you would normally follow and always remember - WRITING A LETTER to your loved one is always beneficial no matter how long since he/she died.

-Harriet

THE 6 R's FOR HEALING

Many of you may remember the 3 R's as "Reading, 'Riting and 'Rithmetic"

Lets look at the 6 R's for healing from grief.......

REMEMBER   REMINISCE   RECORD   RETELL   RITUAL   RELEASE 

-Harriet

POWER OF WRITING

We all remember Leonard Nimroy, the actor best known for his role of Spock (with the pointed ears) in Star Trek. After his death in 2015 his widow Susan shared that her life was...directionless..."I rarely got out of bed. I was part of the walking wounded. We were each other's best friend. I couldn't imagine life without him." 

After struggling with her profound grief for over a year, friends encouraged her to engage her creative juices. It all began with writing letters, "Dear Leonard". As you well know my memoir, SAD IS NOT BAD is based on letters I wrote to my husband after his death, a coping mechanism I have always encouraged my clients to try. Ultimately, Susan created a short film called "Eve" which debuted at the 2018 Sundance Film Festival.

"Eve" is Susan Bay Nimroy's story.  

In less than 3 minutes you will learn much from her interview on YouTube. I encourage you to check it out.

-Harriet

CELEBRITY DEATHS

Recently we have learned of many public figures who've died from illness, accident or suicide. Some names are Kate Spade, Philip Roth and Anthony Bourdain. There are countless other actors, musicians and sports stars. The most recent notable death was Dr. Charles Krauthammer at the age of 68. Whether you agreed with his political opinions or not one must honor his gifts as a political writer and orator for he used his wisdom, intellect, wit, openness and courage to convey his position. 

His doctors informed him that he had just weeks to live after a year of treatment following cancer surgery. And on June 8, two weeks before he died, he shared publicly, "I have been uncharacteristically silent these past ten months. I had thought that silence would soon be coming to an end, but I'm afraid I must tell you now that fate has decided on a different course for me... I leave this life with no regrets. It was a wonderful life - full and complete with the great loves and great endeavors that make it worth living. I am sad to leave with the knowledge that I have lived the life I intended." He thanked his doctors and caregivers, his dear friends who "have given me a lifetime of memories and whose support has sustained me through these difficult months" his colleagues, his readers and viewers. He added, "I believe that the pursuit of truth and right ideas through honest debate is a noble undertaking. I am grateful to have played a small role in the conversations that have helped guide this extraordinary nation's destiny."

There are many lessons to be learned from Charles Krauthammer. 

What's your take away from his life, his legacy and his lessons?

-Harriet

MOTHER'S DAY • FATHER'S DAY

Mother’s Day was recently celebrated with purchases of greeting cards, flowers, presents and candy and probably taking Mom out for a meal.  For Father’s Day (June 17 this year) the focus will be sending cards and buying presents as well, but likely having families gather around the barbecue or enjoying a picnic at a park or beach. Sounds wonderful right?

These holidays established in 1914 and 1910 respectively, are not always experienced as joyful celebrations. For some people the parent/child relationship might have been abusive or estranged and the holiday evokes painful emotions. For others who do have close, loving relationships the holiday is another opportunity to express their love in person, on FaceTime or on Facebook.

After the death of a parent the varied feelings of grief may initially be intense and will need to be processed as part of normal grief. For those with more complicated grief it is hoped the adult child will seek professional counseling to support oneself through this challenging journey. In time one’s feelings hopefully will be a combination of possible sadness, missing and happy memories of having the parent in one’s life.  As a friend recently acknowledged, Mother’s Day for her was “bittersweet”.

And then for some there is gratitude as expressed in this poem recently shared with me.

                    A Prayer For Connections To Remembering A Loved One

Thank you for presenting me with a symbol, a memory, a connection… a smell, a butterfly, a feather, a sunrise, a sunset… Please allow me to be open, aware and vulnerable to see and connect with what is presented. And if I am able to connect … How lucky am I?

– Harriet