My friend’s husband died. What should I say? My neighbor’s mother died. What should I say? My colleague’s best friend died. What should I say? These are common concerns after learning about a death. If you’re comfortable with “comforting the mourner” then you don’t need to continue reading this blog.

Whether you attend the wake, shiva or funeral or meet the person in a store or they live very far from you there are some basic things to remember. Don’t offer platitudes such as “She’s in a better place” or “God needed another angel so He took your loved one”. The bereaved might believe that he needs the person more.

Words are not necessary. Your presence is.

Try looking directly into the person’s eyes and/or offer a hug. If you believe you need to speak, safe validating comments would be ”I can’t imagine what you’re going through or how you’re feeling” or “Please accept my condolences.” If you knew the deceased person share a happy memory with the mourner. Any of your actions may trigger tears but SAD IS NOT BAD - It’s How We Grieve After We’ve Loved. Tears are healthy and healing.

If you can’t be with the bereaved in person send a handwritten note. It can say as little as “Thinking of you” or “I love you”. The written message will likely be saved and reread when the mourner needs to be comforted and supported.

I received the following poem after a widower and his family received my condolence note.

“Perhaps you sent a lovely card or sat quietly in a chair.

Perhaps you spoke the kindest words as any friend could say.

Perhaps you were not there at all - just thought of us that day.

Whatever you did to console our hearts. We thank you so much whatever the part.”

This says it all……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

-Harriet